I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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