remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
