i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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