So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
where are you?
Hypothermia
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
