My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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