When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
