we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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