I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
