Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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