all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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