Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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