I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
