hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
