listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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