and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"