It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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