I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
