A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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