This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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