I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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