There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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