Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
