1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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