I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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