my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
