just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
