You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
