pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
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being pregnant is like rehab
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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