We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
