Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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