You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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