Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
