i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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