cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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