The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
