Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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