I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
