Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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