He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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