Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
