tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
