I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
