Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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