your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
