your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
