those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
