Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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