Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
