ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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