WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
