You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
