the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
