Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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